Shopping

 The depression is lifting a little.  I think writing it down helps me understand it.  I do have a lot going on that's unhappy right now.  I've started reading a book suggested to me called "The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking."  Just seemed appropriate for now. (It's rather snarky, and I always appreciate a good snark).

Went to work, which I always enjoy.  New term, some new volunteers.  Got to help train a new one, which is always fun because I keep reassuring them that they'll be OK - even though it's all overwhelming at first.  When I first started in the animal department (4 1/2 years ago now!) I sometimes wondered how the young kids would feel being paired up to work with someone who was old enough to be their grandmother.  But they seem to like it and we really bond (even though the ones I work with tend to change every term).  That's really nice, considering that going to work comprises close to 100% of my social life.

Then did my grocery shopping - which is another thing that I've been wanting to brain dump on for the last year or two.

Grocery shopping is *hard.*  It's been one of the hardest things for me to do.  Bob and I, more than more couples, almost always went grocery shopping together, mainly because we carpooled to work and would go shopping on the way home.  After we retired, shopping got lobbed in with whatever other errands we were running.  The style of shopping formed a pattern.  He would grab a cart and go whizzing up and down the aisles.  I would select something, look up - and he's gone.  So I'd have to go looking for him, picking up stuff as I went along, until I felt like a fool walking around with my arms full (every now and then I would remember to actually pick up a handbasket on the way in, knowing that this would happen - but not often).  So I'd finally find him, dump in my load, and then have to go back for things he had missed and repeat the searching for him with my arms full again.  Yes, it was annoying, but it was one of those things that we never managed to work out.  But it was also quite interactive, and we'd look at stuff and think of what we wanted and talk about dinner.  Social.

So when I got back after he died, and went grocery shopping, I would have panic attacks in the store.  I wanted so much to go searching for him in the aisles, wondering where he had gotten off to this time.  And it was all so strange - this was at the very beginning of Covid, so there was tension in the air, people in masks, and shelves stripped of paper goods, cleaning supplies, and canned goods.  I hated it.  I just wanted to get out of there before I broke down and wept.

For about a year I was largely rescued by a vegetable delivery service called Misfits.  Living in the hospital for three months, living on hospital cafeteria food and microwave soup, left me with a craving for fresh produce.  Misfits would send me a huge box of random vegetables twice a month.  This saved me a lot of trips to the grocery - mostly when I needed to stock up on cat food and litter.  I only had to go every other week, sometimes only once in three weeks because I could pick up some things at the Dollar General store.  And it forced me, in those early months of bereavement, to actually cook and eat healthy meals, because I had a fridge full of food and an abhorrence about letting it go bad (although the chickens also ate well).  Alas - Misfits expanded, the price (and the amount of food delivered) went up, and the quality went down a bit so I gave it up - but thank goodness it was there when I needed it the most.

I still dislike going to Publix.  I still feel incredibly alone - no more panic attacks, but I still just want to get the shopping over with and out of there.  Fortunately, an Aldi has opened up.  Kind love the Aldi.  I have no Bob memories in Aldi.  And it's so freaking small.  Downright tiny.  Maybe 6 aisles wide and not very long.  But they have a decent produce section (and I still mainly live on produce) and a very good cheese selection.  Being that small, there's a lot of stuff they don't carry but that still means that I can go 2-3 weeks between trips to Publix.

Meals still aren't the fun they used to be.  Bob loved whatever I cooked (and cooked himself sometimes).  When I first got back, eating alone for every single meal really got to me.  It was heartbreaking.  There were some days that I actually wouldn't eat because I'd rather be hungry than face yet another solitary meal.  And, of course, there was no meeting anyone to go out, or have anyone over, because Covid.  A few times I would set up the laptop and share a facetime meal with someone but that somehow made things even worse.  I've gotten used to it now.  In fact, the few times I've eaten with other people has felt a little strange and unnatural.  I do tend to watch cooking shows (with a particular fondness for Sorted Food, a bunch of friends who cook) because that's almost like sharing a meal.

My meals are simple, but healthy.  I specialize in 15-minute meals.  I tend to roast panfulls of vegetables so they're ready to eat.  My most common meal - several times a week - is to make a piece of toast (multigrain), spread it with cream cheese, pile on some veg, and top with a poached egg.  Also a lot of pasta with vegetables.  Stir fry.  On rare occasions I pick up take away from a food truck.     From time to time between Covid surges, I would treat myself to a bagel and coffee,  read a book, and just listen to the sounds of life around me, but that's out again because they don't have an outside dining area and with Omicron raging I don't eat indoors.

The English major in me feels that I should somehow have a summing up paragraph now, but this post is just going to sort of trail off.  Think I'll have a cup of cocoa and go to bed.