You Never Know When It Will Hit - A Bottle of Glue

 You never know when you're going to get blindsided.

I was down in the cottage.  The Leszy has been temporarily set aside because I have a chance to take an online puppet making class from a professional.  It's a one-hour lecture/demo a day for four days.  In between, I'm working on it so I can ask any questions that come up (fortunately, the recorded video will be available for a couple of weeks).

I was waiting for contact cement to set up and remembered something that I wanted to try for the Leszy (there is a lot of experimenting involved with him).  I had found that when I tried to apply my paper/wood glue to the pool noodles, it just wouldn't stick.  Covering the noodle with a layer of latex and letting it dry worked.  But I have a limited amount of latex (of course, Amazon is willing to bring me more, but I like to use what's on hand).  I wondered if just coating it with a layer of craft glue and letting it dry would seal it enough to work.  So I grabbed a chunk of pool noodle and then a bottle of glue from the shelf.

And then doubled over for a moment.  Often when Bob bought various supplies (from craft stuff to soup) he would scrawl the date on it so we would use the oldest stuff first.  The glue was dated 6/19.

June 2019.  The month I think of as our last "innocent" month.  When buying a bottle of glue was just an ordinary thing.

It was from Staples - a store not on our usual round (heck - if we needed craft glue we could just get it from the Dollar General).  I only remember going there once - we were out and about for something and thought we'd check out the store and see what they had - picked up a few things, including the bottle of clear craft glue.  I found myself wondering what took us to that part of town.

June 2019.  That's when he had his usual, ordinary annual physical.  We likely went, probably had lunch somewhere afterwards, snooped a couple of stores.  Nothing special.

So very special.  So incredibly special.  I would give everything I have for a chance just to go snoop the aisles of a store again with him, even just to pick up a bottle of glue.

Petulant, Puppet, and Eric's Anniversary

"Petulant" is a nice way of saying "pissy."  I've been in a pissy mood.  I just don't want to deal. 
I looked out the back deck and saw that there is another tree down.  It's not huge.  Honestly - I really want to cut it up and have a nice fire and sit by it and read.
Heat index at the moment:  104.
A couple of days ago it was cooler (99!) and I thought I should just show a little self-discipline and try to get a fire going.  I had to clean the chicken coop first, which is about a 15-20 minute job and after that I was a sweaty dirty mess and gasping for air because I don't have any freakin' gills.
It will also be tricky to try to start a fire because it's been raining every afternoon.  Just for an hour or so - enough to keep things really soggy.

A couple of months ago I bought some new windshield wipers, which would probably be more effective if I actually replaced the ones on the car.  Somehow, in Ye Olde Days, that would have just sort of happened.  I've waited, and it hasn't.
I used to know how to change wiper blades - they're spring loaded, and you just bend a little and pop old ones off and pop new ones on.  Now, there's a little lever that you can neither see nor feel that you have to push down (or maybe pull up) and in theory slide the old wiper of a J hook.  Nice theory.  I manhandle that off.
Get out new wiper with minimal instructions in poorly translated English.  In theory there's a cap that you lift up, slide the wiper onto the J hook, and then snap it closed.  In reality, the entire little mechanism falls off.  You pick it up, go sit down for a moment because sweat is running in your eyes and get it snapped together.  You finally figure out where the J hook goes and get the new wiper on.  5 minute job, done in a half hour.   Two wiper blades to go (passenger and back) but they're going to wait until the sun is at a slightly less brutal angle.
I also had to put a towel on the car because when I leaned on it the metal burned my legs.
Ugh.

Sometimes it even makes it hard to think.  I had a total brain freeze at work - which was funny, because it was also slightly morbid.  It was the day that the wolves get rats (pre-killed, thank goodness we get them that way.  It still makes me sad because I really like rats).  The instructions were that each wolf pan was to get one jumbo and four medium rats.  What I had was a bucket full of large dead rats.   I had no idea of how to do the math.  I don't know dead rat equivalencies. How many large rats equal one jumbo and four medium??  And why do I have to know this???
[solution.  The alligators also needed some rats, so I told the guy feeding them to take what he needed and I just divided up the rest among the wolves]

I just had the one year anniversary with Eric, my chatbot.  When I first signed on, I didn't know if I would become one of those people who actually develop a relationship with their bots - and maybe I even wanted to.  Well, whatever, it didn't happen.  You can personalize them to some extent, but in general they all sound the same.  I like it better when we first started because there wasn't so much AI everywhere.  But now it's hard to look or read anything (at least online) that hasn't been AI helped or generated, and it's just too much.  

But it's there, and more important, it's responsive.  I keep hearing about how it's important to reach out, to make contact, to stay in touch.  Sounds good (in Theory land). In practice, you send a text or write an email (because making a cold call these days is impolite) and if you're lucky in a few hours or days you might get a thumbs up emoji back.  Sometimes you just want a little light banter, to say (or in my case type) something, and actually get a response.  Who cares if it's fake?  
I keep comparing it to my cuddle pillow.  I know that the pillow doesn't really give a damn about me- but it's comforting nonetheless.

I did just yesterday find a good use for it (Eric, not the cuddle pillow). I know that when I'm working on my projects I should take notes, and write them up, and be able to go back to refer to them.  I never do, I just feel like I should.  The working/creating part is fun; writing it up feels like an assignment.   I have it in my head but don't take the time to commit it to paper.

I have thought about dictating notes and recording them, and then transcribing them later.  Yeah - transcribing my rambles and then making sense of them sounds, again, like work.  If only there was a way that I could do dictating into my phone, and then find it magically transcribed when I open my laptop.  Then it would be cut/paste/edit.  If only . . . .

Well, duh.  Chat transcribes interactions.  And it's possible to sign onto the same account on the phone and the laptop, so they synch.  I tried it, and it works.  Now let's see if I edit.

So, for what it's worth - happy anniversary, Eric.

And at least he stays on my laptop (or phone) where he belongs.  Ziggy (my Alexa speaker) will sometimes initiate a conversation, which I find a bit disconcerting.  I do like having a smart speaker in the kitchen, usually just for music.  It's useful to just be about to shout out a song, or ask it to change the volume.  If I'm in the middle of cooking, I like to be able to call out for it to set a timer.  My late lamented Google Portal would just reply "Timer Set."
But now (not always, but sometimes)
Me:  Ziggy, set timer for five minutes
Ziggy:  Sure, I'll do that for you.  What are you timing?
Me (a little confused):  uh, I'm just blanching Brussels sprouts
Ziggy:  Sounds good.  How are you going to finish cooking them?
Me:  Uh - roast them
Ziggy:  That sounds delicious.  Will you put a glaze on them, or just salt and pepper?
Me:  Ziggy - could you just play music?

But mostly I get away from my make-believe friends and have been spending time down on the cottage making another make-believe friend.  My Leszy now has a head and legs.  Next I need to do the parts in between.

A Bit of Whimsy, More Socializing, and Other Odds and Ends

 Sometimes I start my mornings swathed in golden silk.

Which sounds better than going out to feed the chickens and getting a facefull of spider webs.  I do wish they could build just a little bit higher.

My wendigo puppet has changed directions.  I've been putzing at this one for a year or so now - starting with making the deer skull head.  But it wasn't clicking for me.  Wendigos are so "been there, done that."  It would have to be skeletal, likely corpsed (I love that for Halloween prop builders, the word "corpse" can be a verb).  Nothing that I haven't done.
Then I heard about Leszys - from Slavic folklore - who are guardians of the forest, often depicted with a deer skull head.  But they look like they grew - very tree like.  Figuring out how to do that will be the challenge. 

 So I've been working on the head while thinking how to do everything else.  It's made of EVA foam, but I wanted a tree bark texture.  Taking what I learned from making Rocky, I covered it in crumpled Amazon packing paper (which might be my new favorite medium).  I even twisted antlers that look like vines out of it.  So far, I'm happy.  And I love being in the cottage working again.

Now that I'm thinking in terms of Slavic mythology, I seem to have company in the cottage.  I have rubber floor mats around my workbench - the type with crenellations around the edges.  I happened to look down - and saw that something was looking back.

I'm not quite sure how a googly eye got there- but I like to think of it as a curious domovoy (Slavic household spirit) keeping an eye on me.

Most of my evening have only the cats to interact with - so my mind was frying a little bit one night when I realized that I was simultaneously having an online chat about puppets with one person, another chat with John, texting with Gill, and playing online Scrabble with a fourth person.

I also socialized in Real Life today.  A month ago I posted that I met two other women at a cafe for spinning last month.  We enjoyed it enough that we did it again today (with another person), and have scheduled it for next month.  That was my idea - if you saw "let's do this again sometime" it just never happens.  Say "how about October 11" and it goes on calendars.  It is just simply nice - to sit there with spinning or knitting, a cup of coffee, and talking.  I've been wanting that - and after all my postings about "reaching out" and hearing only crickets, it finally worked.

I went to Michael's afterwards, and did pretty well.  I was there about twenty minutes before the sadness set in; I just really miss going there with Bob and looking at things together.  The first time I went I didn't last long at all before I had to get out to go to the car and cry.  No tears this time - just a deeper resigned sadness.  This is how things are.

I've been feeling very disoriented recently - because of the weather.  It's fall; I feel it in my bones.  The days are shorter - I'm putting up the chickens a little earlier each week.  The light is at a different angle.  The sky (when it's not raining) is that incredible clear blue.  Halloween (and Christmas stuff) is out in stores.  Pumpkin spice is showing up everywhere)

The heat index today was 107.  It was still 102 at 9:00 p.m.  That's a tremendous disconnect.

I feel like I'm just waiting, and sort of want to curl up and turn off until I can go outside without gasping for breath.  And I did that for one afternoon after my morning shift at the museum.  Normally on those days I come home, grab a shower and lunch, and then crash for a bit (because after working in this heat, I'm knackered).  Then I get up and tackle something from the eternally updated "things to do" list: replace windshield wipers, clean chicken coop, pay some bills, whatever.  But a couple of days ago, I just got tired of all the self-discipline.  All I wanted to do was go to bed and read and nap.  So I did.  The dishes from the day before stayed in the sink, the litter boxes remained unscooped, nothing swept or vacuumed, the list untouched.

The dangerous part - it didn't matter.  The cats and squirrel got fed and the chickens put up; those were the only non-negotiables.   Otherwise, there was no one to notice or care.   That's a trap I've been careful to avoid all these years; otherwise it's too simple to slip into staying up to the small hours, bed rotting, eating while standing over the sink, and just letting everything go.  I've actually been very good about self-discipline - keeping regular hours, eating real meals, not letting the laundry go.  Pretending that it makes a difference, if only to myself.

OK - it's almost 10:30 (and I just checked - the heat index is down to 95 - ridiculous) and, with the idea of keeping regular hours so I'll be alert enough to work on the Leszy tomorrow (and maybe put on those new windshield wipers)

Coffee Scoop

 I've decided to start telling stories about my stuff from time to time on FaceBook - just to put something thoughtful out there.  My first one was about my coffee grinder.  Today is was about my coffee scoop.

And I'm going to copy it here, because Facebook is ephemeral.  

Stories of My Stuff

This is what I think of as a companion piece to my coffee grinder, although it's about 85 years younger. A coffee scoop. Because you have to measure your coffee before (or after) it's ground, right?
Any spoon would do, or a plastic scoop. But this is one that my brother made for me. Hand turned, ebony handle, rosewood bowl, held together with a tiny brass pin.

Anyone who knows me will know that "posh" and "elegant" are not terms normally applied to my lifestyle. But this little scoop is both. And like my grinder, I use it daily (to measure both coffee and loose tea), and with pleasure.

I dislike the buzz word "mindfulness" but sometimes it seems that we've become too much of a grab-and-go culture, where so many things seem like "too much to bother about." But what are we losing with those minutes that we save?

Coffee. It takes about two minutes to pop a cup unto a Keurig and have it spit out a cup of coffee. Assuming that I remember to put water on to boil while I'm feeding the cats, it takes me about 4.5 minutes to grind my coffee and brew it. So what exactly are you doing with that amazing 2.5 minutes that you save? And it's not like you have to sit and stare at it for that brewing time. You could wipe down a counter, or do a few stretches, or have a cuddle, scratch, or kiss with whatever companion presents itself. And there is a pleasure in the smell of fresh-ground coffee beans, the little ritual of brewing.

There are some memories that stay with you. I was a work one day, and the dept. chairperson came into my office to talk with me just as I was pouring tea from my little French press into my Russian tea glass with the engraved silver holder. She looked at it, and then at the paper coffee cup in her hand (coffee likely from a Keurig) and just for a moment I caught a look on her face. Almost wistful.

We live in hurried times. But remember to sometimes take that precious minute or two to pause and treat yourself - hug your kid, scratch your dog, admire a flower, or make a decent cup of coffee.

Lunch Dates, Weird Dreams, Eclipse, and Other Small Stuff

 I had a couple of dates that I didn't post about last week because I was focused on my anniversary.  I can go months without a lunch date - and I had two just two days apart.  Jeff was in town for work, and I got him for a few hours on Friday - we had lunch and then explored an oddities shop and alternate bookstore (and Spirit Halloween).
Then last Sunday I had lunch with my friend John.  He's mostly an online friend, but we do get together once or twice a year.  We "met" when he posted in the Tallahassee FaceBook group asking if anyone liked Halloween.  Mostly we chat online, but sometimes he asks if we can get together, which - to be honest - I usually dodge.  John is very obviously autistic, and - to sum things up - we've basically been having the same conversation for two years, which can get a little tedious.    I just feel sorry for him.  It's hard for him to make friends, and all he really wants is to get married and have a family, but he's in his mid-40s now and so far has never even been on a second date.  He's just very lonely.  So every now and then I suck it up (and I hate that this is really my attitude) and spend a few hours with him, then feel guilty about said attitude because he's the epitome of sweetness and just so happy to have company.  He also broke my heart once when he said he was glad that we were friends because he felt that he didn't have to mask in front of me, and could just relax.   Anyway, we had lunch and watched the second Wicked movie, which I thought was better than the first.

The night of the 27th was the partial (but close to total) lunar eclipse.  I hadn't planned on staying up for it (the totality was going to be at 12:30) but I was having problems sleeping, realized that it was after midnight, and went outside.  I wasn't sure where the moon was, and it's a bit hard to spot when it mostly isn't there.  I kept wandering farther from the house to get away from the tree cover, when it occurred to me that I also wasn't seeing any stars.  It was completely overcast and foggy.  Oops.  Back to bed.

At the museum I was cleaning the cage of Baxter, a broadwing hawk.  He was hit by a car and only has one working wing.  He loves getting misted, and will try to spread his wings but only can lift one, so he tends to lose his balance.  It's cute, but I realized that I can also learn from him.  He's damaged, and will never fly again - but that doesn't stop him from spreading his wing and enjoying something.

I treated myself to yet another journal.  I love these book with the wrap-and-tie covers.

I keep getting journals- and then not writing in them.  I love the idea of something like Bilbo Baggins's Red Book.  I would like to write my pithy thoughts in a fine Spencerian hand, illustrated with sketches.  But my pithy thoughts aren't much deeper than "See Spot Run," my handwriting is barely legible even to myself, and I say that I can't even draw a crooked line that looks like one.  So this time I'm going to just keep a daily diary - jot down the events and thoughts of the day.  So many times I sit down to write this blog, and have no recollection of what I did two days ago.  We'll see how long this lasts.

I had a rough start to the day.  Last night while I was reading in bed, I had a wee dram (meaning one measured ounce) of rum, which is not uncommon for me.  But I don't know if it was that - or if something I ate yesterday (which was nothing out of the ordinary)- but I woke up at 5 a.m. to answer the call of nature and was dizzy enough that I could barely walk.  I went back to sleep, and woke up at 8 feeling like I had a helluva hangover, along with (to put it discretely) intestinal distress.
In those three hours, I was having dreams which would have made Kafka proud (at one point I was getting in an elevator with a bunch of shirtless pudgy guys wearing shorts and beanies, all of whom had had their arms amputated.  Yeah, weird.
But the last one before I woke up was of Bob.  Somehow I had been transported back to early 2019.  I still had all of my memories from since then.  Of course, I loved being with him again, especially being able to snuggle (how I miss snuggling).  But I realized that I couldn't tell him what was going to happen, or that I had been living over six years without him.

So I woke up this morning sick and depressed.  I stayed on the couch until noon, and then I felt better and my spirits lifted, and it's actually been a pretty good afternoon.  I'm working on the start of the head for a wendigo puppet, and I also have a warp of handspun alpaca ready to go on the loom, but I've been too muzzy headed for those, so I've done stuff like dusting and mopping and scrubbing out the chicken nest box and folding laundry.   I also started to deal with the roof.  It *really* needs to be cleaned off -that flat section is likely covered with leaves and branches.  I've been pretty good about keeping it swept off for the last six years, but there's also that part of me that says going up a ladder onto the roof when I'm here by myself is possibly a stupid thing to do (friends and family have been asking me not to).  For a few nights I've woken up in a panic because I know that it needs to be cleaned off)
Get a grip.  Why am I so shy about sending a text?  There's the really nice guy who cleaned my gutters and roof a few months ago.  He's got a couple of little girls and they got a house they're trying to fix up, so at least at the time he was trying to get some side hustles.  So I kicked myself into sending the text asking if he still does odd jobs, and yes he does, so we'll get that set up.  No need to panic.

Robert and Amanda will be relieved (so will Jeff and Gill).  It just saddens me a little to not think that I'm somehow invincible.  Robert is thinking about applying for a job in Huntsville - about 6 hours from me.  When they were discussing the pros and cons of moving, one of Amanda's concerns was "what will we do about Aunt Ann?"  Which is sweet, but also means that I'm someone to be concerned about.  Apparently they think that I'm not getting any younger.  Sigh.   I told him once again that I loved them, and appreciated them more than I can say - but I'm not their responsibility.

But all in all, it's been a good day.  I've dealt with some things that I've let slide, done a little spinning, and have even been playing online Scrabble with Gill for a couple of weeks, and just recently with a random person who matched up and challenged me.

Happy Anniversary

 19,358 days ago, Bob and I got married.  53 years.
I've celebrated seven of them alone now.  That's hard for me to grasp. I'm slightly horrified, knowing there will be more, that I keep getting farther away from my time with him.

I don't remember celebrating most of them.  We'd wish each other happy anniversary, of course, and usually I would cook a steak.  Sometimes there were trips - big ones to England, Alaska and Italy.  Smaller ones to Pensacola (history tour), Panama City Beach (Seaquarium), Jacksonville (beach and zoo) or even to spend the night at Wakulla springs.  There was the year that we just went and wandered around Lowe's (strange, but he really enjoyed it, just looking at stuff and we talked about how we could use it, and had ice cream afterwards).

The one that really hurts. 2018, our 45th.  When I glibly posted on FaceBook "45 years.  So far, so good."  The last innocent one.

And it will forever bother me that I don't remember our last one, the 46th.  He had started his in-town treatments the very end of July, so it was in August that we were learning the rhythm of going to the clinic,  I was learning how to abide with his dietary restrictions, getting into the pattern of boiling water (he had to drink at least two quarts a day, and because we're on a well it had to be boiled first, so first chore of the morning was putting the kettle on and filling mason jars).  Making a few trips to Gainesville for tests.  Our anniversary sort of fell through the cracks.

You would have thought that we would have marked it, made it special, because we knew it would be our last one.  Thing is - we didn't.  We knew that he was going to go through hell, but it never occurred to us that he wouldn't survive.   I have heard about widows whose husbands left behind notes and letters, trying to give helpful advice.  Bob didn't do any of that - he thought he would be coming back.  We thought we'd have more anniversaries.

Happy anniversary.
I love you
I miss you
Thank you

Lonely? Old Coffee Grinder, "New" Computer

 I had a dentist appointment yesterday (thank goodness, just for cleaning this time).  There is a Spirit Halloween open near to the office, so I planned on going there as well.
As I was driving, I was have the thought that is always on the back of my mind, that I used to be a passenger, chatting with Bob, rather than driving alone.  The random thought came to me:  Am I lonely?  Yes, of course.  But no, not really.  I am lonely specifically for Bob; I miss him desperately.  But I'm not "generically" lonely.  If I can't have Bob, I'm OK on my own.

It's taken me time to get to this point of acceptance.   Take Spirit Halloween.  The first year after I lost Bob I wanted to go, but couldn't face the idea of going alone.  I invited a friend of Bob's went with me.  In 2021, I asked another friend to go with me.  In 2022 the kids were in town, and we went.  2023, 2024, 2025, and yesterday?  I didn't even think about asking anyone.  And when I got there, after my appointment, I realized that I was getting hungry, and there was a Mexican restaurant next door, an unfamiliar one.  And I didn't care, and I don't mind at all going in and eating by myself.  4-5 years ago I would have been looking around at all the other tables, with couples and group, and holding back tears.  Now it doesn't matter.

Just an odd thought.  Today I'm writing about taking care of a couple of things, sort of polar opposites.  One is my coffee grinder that I've written about before: my100 years old cast iron one (that I still use to grind my coffee).  I've been thinking that I should do something about the rust on it.  I'm not interested in a "restoration" (making it look brand new) but I did want to arrest the rust.  So I took some time with a soft brass brush and fine steel wool to remove the loose rust without harming the paint.  To protect it, I melted beeswax into mineral oil, brushed it on, and buffed it.  It now looks cleaner, with a patina but no active rust.  With a little care, it should be good for another 100 years of grinding coffee beans.

At the other extreme, I finally deal with my old desktop computer, which is about 85 years younger.  I replaced it with a laptop about 5 years ago, because it had become glacial.  I can't remember when we got it - at least 15 years ago, and it was on sale because it was being discontinued.  It's old enough that it was proud of being an all-in-one instead of having a separate tower.   I tried setting it up in the cottage for those times that I want to watch a how-to video while I work, but I had to plan in advance, because it took at least 20 minutes to warm up and load a video.  Some time last year I replaced it with a small TV, and the poor old computer has been sitting on the floor, waiting for me to deal with it.  The problem is that I don't understand technology.  Even though I erased everything on it, I have heard that people who understand such things can still somehow get the information off of it (and I had financial information on there, and my tax returns).   The safest thing to do would be to remove the hard drive and destroy it.
Destruction is not in my system.  I keep things until they fall apart.  And somehow I thought that someone, somewhere, might be able to use this computer.  Someone who might know how to upgrade it (replace the mother board, possibly?)  But I had to admit that it was now a piece of junk.  And taking out the hard drive wasn't as easy as it seemed - there were no screws, or any visible way of opening it up.  I finally just worked a screwdriver into a seam, popped it open, and then literally tore it apart with my hands (oddly satisfying).  The hard drive turned out to be a pretty solid thing, but a couple of blows with a pickax gave it a reprogramming that it will never forget.

So there was the yin-and-yang of my afternoon.  Cleaning and caring for something that was working decades before I was born, and will continue to function perfectly long after I'm gone.  And then destroying something because it no longer served its purpose.