Depression

 Depression is not the same as sadness.  I've heard it described as "the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry."

Yeah, I'm depressed.  Gee, wonder why.  In the last couple of months I've lost 3 of my peacocks (Spike after I nursed him for two months).  Jeff joined the Great Friend Diaspora.  Even a goldfish died.  Holidays are naturally very hard - and I try not to remember the December of two years ago when we had to make multiple trips to Gainesville to prep for Bob's treatment, nor the two year anniversaries going on now of living in the blood cancer ward at Shands.  In two weeks it will be the 50th anniversary of meeting Bob, with his birthday a couple of days after that.  The lump on Tula's jaw that less than two weeks ago was a thickening that the vet felt when I took her in for a tooth infection is now very obvious when you look at her.  And the background noise behind all this is the massive wave of the Omicron variant

So maybe I should cut myself a little slack.  I know my signs of depression.  I tend to eat more bready stuff, and sweets.  Oddly, I don't drink as much alcohol.  Don't exercise, not even my daily walks, much less work in the yard.  Don't feel like working on anything, even a hobby.  Spend too much time just staring at the computer screen (follow time-killing FB links, playing Sudoku.)  Stay up late (last night it was 2 am). Sometimes sleep on the couch so I don't have to go to bed alone.

Yesterday I thought I'd try lighting a fire outside today,  burn some yard trash, maybe sit by the fire and read.  But then a deluge moved in, so that didn't happen.  I did at least start warp a frame loom to weave some samples.  I thought about taking a walk, but even though it really wasn't cold (it was in the high 50s) it felt icy and wet and uncomfortable.  I did call Mike and Margo because I usually feel better when I talk to them.  Then I couldn't decide what to do, so I took a bath for a couple of hours.

Tired as I am from pulling on my own bootstraps, I'm trying to work out of it.  Ate three decently nutritious meals today.  Did a bit of stretching (going to do more when I'm through writing this).  Going to bed by 10-ish.  The next two days will be better, because I'm working and that keeps me distracted.  If I'm not climbing out by Thursday I'll hit the pills.  Because I do keep antidepressants on hand.  I just don't want to take them all the time.  I like knowing that they're there:  "if things get too bad, I've got the pills."  It might even be the placebo effect when I take them.  It's not a sudden fix, but they can help dig me out when nothing else works.