Rambling

 I had a weird thought the other day.
I've often thought about the "bereavement in isolation"that I had to go through because Bob died just as the Covid shutdowns started.  All of the things that you're told - "don't retreat, don't isolate, spend time with your friends, don't huddle at home, go out " -well, those weren't options.

But it occurred to me that it also helped in the opposite direction, a different way of not feeling so alone.  What you hear/read about all the time is how hard it is after you've gone through the trauma of having your live irrevocably changed - somehow everyone else's life seems to just settle back to normal.  Everything is new and different and frightening for you - you don't even know who you really are.  The rest of the world?  Fine.

So maybe it helped that in that sense I wasn't alone.  Restaurants and stores closed.  People furtive and frightened.  Try to figure out how to go to work, how to school the kids, how to deal with a new and strange life.  It wasn't just me.

I was thinking some more about the fun I had at the con with Rocky and people's reactions to him.  Part of it was that I somehow made the transition from "person with a puppet" to "a puppeteer."   When I finished it, and was practicing, I was practicing the mechanics- how low to the ground to hold it, how the secondary motion of his back three legs were working, how to tilt the body, how to operate the front two arms.  But at the con, it was simply "Rocky is excited, or curious, or nervous" and let his actions show that.  At one point, a couple of girls offered me a trinket (little gifts given to people that you think have really good costumes) of an elastic bracelet.  Before I could say anything, Rocky was reaching his arm up and waving it around, and then danced happily after they put it on him.

I watched an interview with James Ortiz (the real Rocky) who said it's not that hard to learn the mechanics of a puppet.  After that, it's acting - just through a different medium.  So it seems fitting that it looks like he's going to get nominated for an Oscar not for special effects, but as an actor.

Monday, I just sort of collapsed.  There is a thing called "anticipatory stress" and I had both last week - dreading the surgery, and hoping things would go well at the con.  With both of those behind me, and nothing external to motivate me (beyond feeding the critters) Monday was just a zero-energy day.  But now this week I'm tackling stuff.  Sometimes I just get an uncomfortable feeling that there's something I've left undone, things I should tend to.  That's when the to-do list gets written and (hopefully) slowly checked off.  There's always the feeling (probably most people do this) that everyone else has their life in order, and mine is just a chaos of things undone.   On the other hand, my lists probably have stuff that most others don't.  There's the usual "set out ant traps" or "refill the soap dispenser" or "replant the hydroponic herb garden."

But there's also things like "rebuild the front swing."  "Try to get the regulator on Bob's compressor to adjust."  "Grab the chain saw and deal with that tree (another one!) that came down across the upper drive."  One of my guardian gargoyles on a post on the driveway fell off.  He's dangling from his chain, so I have to get the right wrench to free him, and then take him to the barn (he's heavy, so I have put him in the car to drive it to the barn, but that downed tree is in the way) and see if I can repair his broken wing.

I'll churn my way through all that, and hopefully by the the creative gears will start turning again.  Because I really loved getting into the flow again.  It's when I feel the most me.