July 9

 Once again, it's July 9.  The pivotal day in our lives.  The day that Fiona died and Bob got his diagnosis.

I always associate it with this picture, taken 20 years before that pivotal day in 2019.  Bob and Fiona.  Now they're still together, and they've left me behind.

I usually give myself this day to mourn.  Sometimes I just go back to bed after taking care of everybody in the morning.  Sometimes I read, or just sit, or just be.  Take this day to stop living my double life, with an outside person bopping along, admiring little flowers, dancing to music, while there's a corner of me curled up and sobbing.

Unfortunately, I got text from my periodontist that I had to go pick up some medications in preparation for my surgery tomorrow.  At least while I was out I got myself some yogurt, cottage cheese, and ice cream for the next couple of days.

It's still just so frustrating.  I tried, I really did.  When you're young and in love, you don't think 30 or 40 years in the future.  But somewhere along the line, I realized that I came from a genetic line that had people lasting into their 90s, and Bob from a family that rarely made it to 80.

So.  I made sure that we ate well.  Good food, but healthy.  High on the good stuff, low on stuff like chips and soft drinks and desserts were for weekends.  We used to hike a lot - there are some nice trails just a few miles from the house.  When his knees started to give out (a problem with being larger than the average bear) I suggested that we get kayaks.  When he  discovered that the FSU intramural pool near the museum could be used by anyone, he suggested that on the days that I worked he could come by when I got off and we could go swimming for an hour.  Of course I said yes - but if I'm honest, after being on my feet working for four hours what I really wanted to do was eat something and collapse instead of swimming laps.  But swim we did.

He was one of the healthiest people to check into Shands hospital.  Weight reasonable (face it, he was big).  Lung capacity good.  Heart good.  Stamina good.  Blood pressure good.  Blood sugar good.  Whatever they could test, good.

Eat right.  Get proper sleep.  Exercise.

Die anyway.

Fuck July 9.