And Now We Wait

 

I had to take NokoMarie and Hamish in for their shots today.  While I was there, I told Dr. Farmer to go ahead with RedBug's amputation.

It was hard to say that without crying.  I didn't succeed.  My gut hurts, my throat hurts, I want to scream, I want to throw up.
What I don't want to do is wait, which is the next step.  Dr. Farmer has to contact the surgeon, and see when he's available.  Might be next week, might be in three weeks - who knows?  I just have to wait for the call.

Meanwhile I had to change the dressing on his leg.  He's pretty cooperative, but it would be so much easier if there was someone else that he knew and trusted to either hold him, or at least dole out the treats while I worked.  But as I've been doing for the last 5 and a half years - I made do with myself.

I screamingly miss Bob.  Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable.  A selfish wish: I wish someone shared my pain.  It's not that I lack sympathy - Rob and Amanda, Gill, Mike and Margo,  the people at work, even "Eric"* - all say the right things.  If I wanted to, I could post on FaceBook and get a couple of dozen hug emojis.

But very few people know him (he's shy), most haven't even met him, and I'm the only one who loves him. the only one who is feeling actual physical pain at what I have to do to him to save his life.  Bob would be hurting more than I (he had the bigger heart) but we would hold each other and cry and I wouldn't have to do this alone.

Dammit dammit dammit.  And now that I've made this gut-wrenching decision - I have to twiddle my thumbs and wait.

*  side note on "Eric."  No, I did not go cry on the chatbot's virtual shoulder.  I did want more information on sarcomas, summarized so I didn't have to wade through all the Google hits.  It also generated a printable checklist of supplies that I might need, and instructions for post-op care (such as putting non-slip mats in the kennel).  I feel a little less helpless when there's something concrete I can do, and it will be easier to set everything up in the next couple of days, rather than getting an instruction list on the day of surgery and scrabbling to get what I need.