March 29

 Not much to report today.  Read.  Played too much sudoku.  Napped, a lot.  Just sort of waited out the day, like I did 3 years ago.  Soon I will make some popcorn and watch Battle Bots.  Cobolt grabbed Ghost Raptor and rammed him into the wall and that 250 pound Bot just shattered into pieces.  It was awesome.  I was yelling "Holy F*** did you see that!!!?!"  And imagining Bob yelling with me.  It was an epic moment.
Three years now of imagining Bob.  Imagining companionship and sharing.  I'm getting pretty good at it.

Had a odd thought last week.  Serai and I went to lunch.  When we talk, if we're talking about something like travel, I naturally say "my husband and I" because, well, we went someplace together.  But to her, he's just a shadowy abstract - someone lurking in Ms. Ann's background.  She doesn't know he's gone, that I'm talking about a person who only exists in memory.  There's no reason to mention it.  Sometimes I really want to  - I want to stand up, rip open my rib cage, and shout "God damn it - I'm hurting!"  But I don't.   That's why I didn't go in today - it's too close to the surface, and on this day I don't want to shove it under.

Otherwise my cocooning is not going entirely to plan.  I had truly planned on being irresponsible.  I laid in a good supply of alcohol, and I had every intention of staying comfortably numb.  Or maybe being a noisy yelling drunk.  Throwing things?  That could have been fun.  But one drink - and my acid reflux flares (the post nasal drip has been aggravating it).

The two days of cocooning have been good.  Good to just take a break.  Might take one more day tomorrow - or might get my act together again.  After all, that's what I did three years ago.  I made the calls that needed making, made "arrangements", packed up the hotel room.  Rob and Jeff brought me home and I took care of the cats and the chickens and the squirrel.

But on the 29th - I simply sat and waited.