I Quit!

 Temporarily.

I've been pushing myself for the last few months.  Doing the Things I Think I Should Be Doing.  I went to Boston.  I went to Gainesville, to Harry Potter World, and went on the Road Scholar trip.  I worked at the Highland Games.  I've been to a few meetings of the weaver's guild.

I've been hauling myself up by my own bootstraps for three years now.  Keeping up the "I'm OK" front.  Doing what needs to be done.  Following the mantra of "you don't have to feel like doing something to just do it."  Getting things done.

But I've been getting tired, and getting slower.  Everything just seems like so much work.  Sometimes I just sit - and feel bad about wasting my time.  Everywhere I look there are things that should be done.  The roof needs sweeping (as does the front deck).  I haven't tackled anything in Bob's room for weeks.  There's still the barn.  Yard work.  Garden. I have a couple of baskets of laundry that need to be put away.

And because of this, I'm feeling disconnected.  Even things that I know that I like doing - sewing or spinning or weaving - get put on the "things to do" list.  I've been eating because it's time to eat - not because I'm hungry or there's something I would like.  I'm starting to forget what it feels like to, well, feel like doing something.  Doing something because I want to.

So I'm quitting.  Taking a few days off.  I've let them know that I'm not coming to work Wednesday because I'm tired of putting on the front of everything being OK.  I went shopping after work today and spent about three times as much as I usually do.  I have my avocados and bananas and apples and fresh strawberries - but I also have cheesecake and coffee cake and a box of Vanilla Wafers (I love those innocuous little cookies.)  I have red wine and white wine, sherry, port, Kraken black rum and creme de cacao.

For the next few days, I'm dropping the bootstraps. I will of course feed the cats and chickens and fish and Dingo the flying squirrel and clean the litterboxes.  But that may be it as far as chores.  Otherwise, I'm just going to try to get back in touch with feeling (and yes, there will likely be crying over Bob involved, and I'm good with that.  He's worth it).  If after I get up and feed the cats I feel like going back to bed with a glass of rum and that box of Nilla Wafers - I will.  I'm going to eat when I get hungry, and eat whatever I feel like.  I might knit, or weave, or sew - or I might not. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath, or a long shower, or just stink for a couple of days.

  I'm giving myself three days.  No pushing myself, no doing What Needs To Be Done.  Just relaxing and chilling.  Let feelings flow.

Then I can grab the bootstraps again, back to putting one foot in front of the other, and start Year 4 without Bob.  But for now, I'm tired, and I'm going to rest.