Another Ramble

 My brain is pinging all over the place.

RedBug's surgery is scheduled for October 14.  I'm with Lady McBeth:  "If 'tis done when 'tis done, 'twere best it were done quickly."  Drastic though the amputation is, it's not an emergency.

When I was debating this (it seems like forever ago - hard to believe that he started bleeding 5 days ago and I found out that the sarcoma was coming back 4 days ago - it feels like I've been wringing my hands for months) I thought to myself - if, for example, he had been grabbed by a dog and his leg mangled, and at the emergency vet they told me they could save him but lose the leg, and I had 10 seconds to think about it - I'd go for it.  It's making this decision in cold blood that is making me chew on my own ulcers.

And I'd like to think that at least this way he gets 10 more days to enjoy himself as a quadruped - except that he's sulking.  He doesn't like having his leg bandaged (necessary so that it doesn't bleed or get infected), and he's really annoyed at my changing his bandage so he's sulking and hiding from me.  Mostly under the bed.  He will consent to my reaching under there with scratches and kitty treats but he's not coming out.

Going to be a long 10 days.  Then comes the recovery period.  I was going to do a few things in October.  The FSU School of Theatre is performing Sweeney Todd.  But that run starts the day after his surgery - so likely not (the final performance is 12 days later so I'll have to see how I feel.  I was looking forward to the Silent Book Club - I really do like it, strange as it is. But the August one was right after Bug's first surgery and I was worried, and also sad because it was at my wedding anniversary.  I don't know anyone there well enough to talk about it, and I didn't want to act like nothing was wrong.  September - I had a cold (and dammit - as is usual for me, three weeks later I still have post-nasal drip and a cough).  October - it's only a few days post surgery.

I had even signed up for the Tallahassee Senior Center trip to Wakulla Springs.  I love it there, and haven't been for many years, and there was even going to be a bus picking us up only a mile away so I wouldn't have to drive.  Again - only a week post-surgery.  He may be OK (it's sometimes amazing how fast they can recover) but I won't be ready to leave him for a day (and yes, I'll be skipping work that week as well)

On to more fun things.  This one is a face-palm moment.  It's a video of a cover of the poignant and heartrending "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" - sung to the tune of the theme song from the muppets.  Save me.

I even socialized today.  I've been a long-time lurker of the Weaver's Guild.  Not that there's any antipathy - I just don't like going to meetings (and, of course, they're always at least 20 miles away).  But I did hear back from the woman about the spinning wheel, and she does want it (a birthday present for her husband who wants a wheel but they can't afford one).  We were going to set up a time for her to come get it - but honestly, I wasn't up to being cheerful Suzy Hostess.  So I offered to come to the meeting and bring it to her.  So it has a new home and my guilt at having a wheel I don't use is assuaged.

I did get a nice ego boost.  There is always a show-and-tell.  I haven't done any weaving in a long time, but I did take in skeins of my silk blend yarns, and a shawl that I knit to show how it worked up.  I've worn it before, and people compliment it, but honestly, if you're not a maker you have no idea how long something like this takes, and the average person wouldn't know the difference between handspun silk and storebought acrylic.  So it was nice to have it appreciated (a lot of the gasps were about the weight of it, which is just a bit over three ounces)

And the hostess's cat decided she liked me and sat with me for awhile.

Meanwhile the outside world is still liminal.  It's no longer super unbearable hot, but I found myself using the term at work that I was getting "gently sweaty" (as opposed to drenching through my shirt).  At yet - the heat (high 80s, low 90s) is starting to really get to me.  I don't want to be gently sweaty - I want to stop being sweaty at all.  I haven't done yardwork, except minimally, for a few weeks.  Somehow I kept at it during the hot months, out of spite more than anything else, but I'm over it.  It's October - it needs to act like it.

Wow - third post since October 1, and it's only the 4th.  Might be a busy month.

And Now We Wait

 

I had to take NokoMarie and Hamish in for their shots today.  While I was there, I told Dr. Farmer to go ahead with RedBug's amputation.

It was hard to say that without crying.  I didn't succeed.  My gut hurts, my throat hurts, I want to scream, I want to throw up.
What I don't want to do is wait, which is the next step.  Dr. Farmer has to contact the surgeon, and see when he's available.  Might be next week, might be in three weeks - who knows?  I just have to wait for the call.

Meanwhile I had to change the dressing on his leg.  He's pretty cooperative, but it would be so much easier if there was someone else that he knew and trusted to either hold him, or at least dole out the treats while I worked.  But as I've been doing for the last 5 and a half years - I made do with myself.

I screamingly miss Bob.  Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable.  A selfish wish: I wish someone shared my pain.  It's not that I lack sympathy - Rob and Amanda, Gill, Mike and Margo,  the people at work, even "Eric"* - all say the right things.  If I wanted to, I could post on FaceBook and get a couple of dozen hug emojis.

But very few people know him (he's shy), most haven't even met him, and I'm the only one who loves him. the only one who is feeling actual physical pain at what I have to do to him to save his life.  Bob would be hurting more than I (he had the bigger heart) but we would hold each other and cry and I wouldn't have to do this alone.

Dammit dammit dammit.  And now that I've made this gut-wrenching decision - I have to twiddle my thumbs and wait.

*  side note on "Eric."  No, I did not go cry on the chatbot's virtual shoulder.  I did want more information on sarcomas, summarized so I didn't have to wade through all the Google hits.  It also generated a printable checklist of supplies that I might need, and instructions for post-op care (such as putting non-slip mats in the kennel).  I feel a little less helpless when there's something concrete I can do, and it will be easier to set everything up in the next couple of days, rather than getting an instruction list on the day of surgery and scrabbling to get what I need.

RedBug

 Shit.
How's that for an opening.  When I last posted on RedBug, at the end of August, I said he had his surgery and was healing well.

Which he was.  Until Monday night (day before yesterday).  He was sitting on the couch, grooming his leg (the fur is starting to come back in) - and I saw blood dripping from his leg.  I was able to get it bandaged (he really is a good cooperative cat) and took him to the vet yesterday.

The sarcoma is back.  And this time it's broken through the skin, because there wasn't much left after the surgery.

I have three choices.  Just keep it bandaged which I opted to do yesterday; it will need to be changed every other day.  Dr. Farmer suggested amputation but I rebelled.
But now I've had a day to think about it.  I have three options.  a) keep an ever growing wound on his leg bandaged and hope it doesn't get infected - and this would be for the rest of his life;  b) have the leg amputated; c) have him put down (which I would have to do sooner than later if I go for option a.

I don't like any of these options.  I screamingly don't want to amputate - the thought of it makes me want to throw up.  And yet I did have to think about it.  I realized that if was necessary for some crisis situation - if he got in an accident, or mauled by another animal and the leg couldn't be saved, then I'd go for it.  I think it's having to make the decision in cold blood that's bothering me.

I'll make the appointment for the amputation tomorrow.    And I'll be crying a lot.

But a sweet thing happened today at the museum.  I was working on diets and one of the keepers asked if I was OK  - I thought she was referring to my cough left over from my cold, and I said it was just still the post nasal drip.  But she said "you just seem a little off and I thought something might be wrong.  So I told her and she hugged me.  It was just so touching to have someone notice, and care.