Drifting

I had a very drifting day today, very Zen, very calm. 

I had my usual start to the morning.  Get up, feed the fish, feed the cats, feed the chickens, and finally feed myself.  But after breakfast, I simply laid down on the couch for another hour or so.  Later on in the day, I went back to bed for an hour.

I'm not sick.  I feel fine.  But I was hanging on to a dream.

It was about Bob.  I dream about him sometimes; honestly, not often enough because that's the only time I get to see him.  I even have a dream journal so that I can remember them.  Usually, even in my dreams, I know that he's gone.  Sometimes I'll hear his voice, but know that if I turn to look, he won't be there.  Sometimes I can see him, but not touch him.  If I'm lucky, I can do both.  I'll cling to him, sometimes cry, tell him I miss him,  often tell him that I'm so very very sorry (that's usually connected with him wondering what the hell happened to all of his stuff. )  Often, for whatever reason, he has to leave me - get in the car, or on a bus, or just walk away.  But I always know, even in my dreams, that he's dead.

But not this one, just before I woke up.  It was very short, and very simple.  We were teasing and laughing at something.  We flopped down on the bed, snuggling, and he reached over to grab a camera to snap a picture of me (I *hate* having my picture taken).  That was all.  But for those few moments I was really with him - laughing, pushing, cuddling, and, above all, feeling so very safe.  That's a feeling that I haven't had since I lost him.  I always feel like I'm on a tightrope with no net - one false move, one bad car accident, a broken bone, a bad illness - and I could lose my home and land, have to stop living in my beautiful isolation.  It's a bit frightening.

But with him around, I always felt safe, that whatever happened, we could face it together.  Sometimes I would even say it - cuddle up to him, bury my face in his chest, and whisper "safe."  And I felt it again this morning, in that brief dream, and I've been moving quietly today, sometimes sitting, sometimes lying down, just to hold onto it while I can.  Laughing, loved, safe.

Oddly, while drifting, I did quite a bit today.  I cleaned the chicken coop and the fish tank.  I baked bread, and made a pot of curry.  I washed my clothes and my sheets.  I even took care of something that's been frustrating me for a few weeks - got my laptop to talk to my printer.  I don't often need to print things, but the last time I tried, I got the "driver unavailable" notice.  My attempt to reinstall one have met with failure - because it says that's it already installed.  But I want it now; my trip to Roswell that was "a couple of months away" is suddenly 9 days.  I'm a belt-and-suspenders sort of girl, and I want to be able to print out a copy of my tickets instead of trusting my phone.

In my drifting Zen mode, I tried seeing if something would print - and got the "driver not available" message.  Instead of my usual frustration, I sat there for a moment, then reached up and unplugged the printer.  Five minutes later I plugged it back in, and the problem was resolved (the usual IT solution of "have you tried turning it off and turning it back on again?")

It's been a good day.  I've got a busy week ahead - the museum, finally getting back to my chiropractor (I skipped a couple of months while I was dealing with the car, and boy, do I feel it).  The last of the cats (RedBug) will get his shots.  And I have to get ready for my trip, which may entail doing some clothes shopping.  I have realized that my "good" pants are very close to "wear in the garden pants" status - funny how that happens after a few (uh, lot more than a few) years.  And my tennis shoes are definitely only fit for the garden.  I also need to clean the house a bit before the pet sitter comes in.

But not tonight.  Tonight I am Zen.