Anxiety Attacks; Reading

 The last few days I've been feeling really stressed and anxious.  I haven't been sleeping well.  This afternoon I was ugly crying on the couch.  I've been hanging onto the cats.

This is where the blog comes in handy.  I can look back and see where I had panic attacks before going to see Mike and Margo in Boston, before I went with Kim and Diane to Harry Potter World, and before I took the Roads Scholar trip.  And now Mike and I are going to Universal Studios.

Like my Boston trip - I want to see Mick so badly that it's almost physically painful.  It's like getting a reprieve from the loneliness for a few days, with someone who has known me my entire life.  I want it so much that it becomes frightening:  What If Something Happens?  Because, as the saying goes, shit happens.  Ebaida's brother knelt to do his evening prayers and never got back up again.  Jim's been riding a motorcycle to work for 30 years, but just got clipped by a car.

It would be so easy to become agoraphobic, to huddle in the safety of my home, and try to keep my animals safe.  Keep an eye on everything.  Lower the risks.

So at least I understand what's going on with me.

Reading:  I thought that I had started keeping a list of my reading - can't find it.  And sort of like the blog is a way of keeping track of my life, I'd also like to track my reading.  Fortunately, I do most of my reading on Kindle these days, so I can see what's on there.  Most days I try to take a coffee or tea break in the afternoon and sit on my back deck to read.  It's peaceful out there in the treetops, and unlike the endless clutter of the rest of my life (I've taken tonnage out of this house in the last three years, and it's still full of stuff) it's pretty minimal:  three chairs, a small table, a little trash can holding peanuts and sunflower seeds for the squirrels, and that's about it (although at the moment there's a butter tub with an armadillo skull soaking in it).  I sip, read, watch the birds and the squirrels.  

My reading for 2023:  

1. Wild Seed, Octavia Butler
2. Spinning Silver, Naomi Novik
3. Hail Mary, Andy Weir
4. Pinocchio
5. Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula LeGuin
6. The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula LeGuinn
7. The Unreal and the Real (short stories) Ursula LeGuinn
8. Uncle Silas, LeFanu
9. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo
10. Metazoa, Peter Godfrey-Smith
11. The Spinner's Guide to Yarn 
    Design, Judith McKenzie
12. Harry Potter (all 7 books), J.K. Rowling
13. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (3 books), Douglas Adams
14. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
15. Every Tool's a Hammer, Adam Savage
16. Bear and the Nightingale Trilogy (3 books), Katherine Arden
17. Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafon
    
18. Long Fatal Love Chase, Louisa May Alcott
19. Nettle and Bone, Ursula Vernon
20. The Ladies of Grace Adair (short stories), Susanna Clark
21. How to Sell a Haunted House, Grady Hendrix
22. Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
23. Piranesi, Susanna Clark (currently reading)

So that's about 20 books that I remember.  I am on a fantasy kick at the moment - preferably involving folklore.  Good escapism.

Speaking of which, I think it's time to go to bed and read.  Tomorrow I have to finish cleaning the house and possibly go ahead and pack for the trip.  Mike will be coming in Monday (the day after tomorrow) and we'll head to Universal on Tuesday.