Dreaming

Dream time

 From time to time I try keeping a dream journal.  I'll write down a few, then skip for awhile (sometimes for years) and write a few more.   I was very intrigued by Adam Savage's art piece that he made of a dream journal.

Adam Savage's Dream Diary Sculpture - YouTube

But my dreams seem to come in just bits and pieces, nothing coherent, and usually the memory is gone even as I'm trying to write it down.   I do write down fragments with Bob in them, in my grief journal, but those are just moments.

But this morning I woke up from a dream, thinking "this is important."  So I jotted it down; now I'm trying to remember details.

I'm near or on campus.  By myself. I’ve done with whatever I’m there for (no idea).  It’s early.  I decide to go to the campus coffee shop and read my book for a bit.  (not sure if this detail means anything, but I’m younger – maybe in my 40’s, wearing black and a filmy red shawl).  Walking there, I notice that something is going on in the quadrangle. There is a table with a lot of display items on it, and an informal lecture.  I listen for a bit, then continue towards the coffee shop.  There are large tables and backboards set up but all covered up in heavy shipping blankets.  Obviously something is going to be happening later so I think I’ll come back after my coffee and check it out to see if anything is interesting.  One does have a poster of belly dancing but the others have nothing, not even a flyer.   I start to leave the quadrangle, then realize that I’m lying down and have passed out.  I struggle to my feet, but it’s hard and I’m weak, but eventually I stand.  No one (there are only a few people there) has taken any notice of me.  I keep walking but suddenly there are no buildings around; I’m in a rocky wilderness.   Then I wake up.

And feeling like this is important (important enough that I jotted some of it down before even feeding the cats (and they let me know about it) and now I’m writing this before doing any of my morning routine.

What is my subconscious telling me?

1)     I’m alone.  I get that.  It’s my life at the moment.  I’m not being a drama queen, and I know I’m not Alone with a capital A.  The way it came to me is that I do have many people at my back, just none at my side.  No one even noticed when I was lying down and having trouble getting back up.  I also get that – I have plenty of days where it’s still a struggle, but I don’t talk about them because I sound like a broken record, and no one else can help me back up anyway.  This is my journey (an aside – I was talking to a co-worker at the museum yesterday, and mentioned that in less than two years I’ve lost five cats, two friends, and my husband, and three other friends have moved out of the area.  No wonder I feel a bit alone). And I’m actually OK with exploring being alone – but sometimes it does edge over into being lonely.

2)  Now that pandemic restrictions are lifting (I’m not talking legally; the numbers are dropping and it’s getting a little safer to be out) I realize that I’m losing my excuse for staying at home to myself.  With my genetics, I probably have another 20 good years in me and I should Do Something.  And unlike almost everybody else, I have Plenty of Time on my hands.  I should do something, or learn something, or even get involved in something.  I just have no idea what.  Referring to #1 above, I realize that I’m still shell-shocked and disengaged.  Partly because of loss, partly because of pandemic restrictions.   I think this is why the tables were not merely draped, but covered in the heavy shipping blankets, with nothing to hint at what they were (except for the dancing one, I think because I’ve done that in the past).

But when I walked away from them is when I collapsed.  And when I got back up and did walk away, I found myself in barren wilderness.

Yes, this dream may be been important.  Just have to figure out what to do with this information.