Finished Shawl; Unsettling Dream

 The Forest Walk Shawl is finished.  And I'm happy with it - it really captures the mood of a walk through the woods.

Just in time for the weather to be warm again.

I'm in the post-project funk.  Something like this is about project, not product. I've spent many many hours thinking of this project, coming up with the color scheme, spinning, dyeing, and knitting - and now it's done.  It will have its time to be draped on the mannequin in the "no cats allowed" room, and eventually folded into a box. With luck, next winter, I might be able to wear it once or twice.  But, basically, this relationship is over.  

And it's February 27, one of the hard dates.  In 2020, this was the day that ended the most terrifying time of my life - the period that Bob was out of the hospital and we were living in a hotel and he was 100% my responsibility.  Sick and weak, and a fall could have killed him and I had no call button for a nurse.  But still - it was quiet with no beeping and alarms and people in and out 24/7, and the bed was big enough that I could curl up against him.  But on the 27th, they decided that it was too dangerous and they readmitted him.  He stood in the door of the room and said "Annie - I'm having a panic attack.  I can't do this."  The next day he would start the round of chemo that killed him.

I dreamed of him last night.  Somehow he had come back.  We were both trying to work through the awkwardness of learning to live together again after 6 years apart.  I was trying to explain about the cats, and apologize for the amount of his stuff (especially the barn) that was gone.  The part that I really remember was that he looked at me and said. "You look broken.  No older, just . . . . broken."