Liminal

 Oops - 11 days.  Somehow I feel like I've just been marking time, waiting.
Waiting for what, I can't say.  I keep thinking of the word "liminal."  That boundary area between space, or time, or this and that.

I think it's largely the weather.  It's getting light later in the morning, and dark earlier in the evening.  The angle of light says fall.  So does all the Halloweens stuff in the stores and the pumpkin spice emerging everywhere.  Then you step outside and it's 90 degrees.  It's disorienting.

90 degrees, but the humidity is lower so the heat index isn't much higher.  If this were July or August, I'd be out there weed whacking or brush cutting or whatever.  But now, almost mid-September, I find that I'm just sick of sweating.  I feel like curling up on the couch and just waiting for the weather to shift for real.

I find that I'm feeling long-term tired.  Like the every day is annoying me.  My morning routine - get up, brush teeth and hair.  Feed fish, feed cats, feed chickens, feed whoever else is hungry, finally make tea and breakfast for myself and read FaceBook (usually chat with Ebaida).  Clean litterboxes, tidy kitchen, run the vacuum.  Then I have moments that feel just too damned much like Groundhog Day.  Bob's been gone almost 2000 days - and with the exceptions of my trips (I counted - I've been gone and had a house sitter for 17 of those 2000 days) that's happened every day.  I love them all - but it was nice when someone else also did it.  Sometimes I rebel and do something else first, or do it out of order.  I Am the Wild Woman.

Time for a ramble, as I've let 11 days go by.  RedBug is healing nicely and can come out of the bedroom now.  Just praying I don't feel another lump.

Liam the opossum was 104 grams on last post.  11 days later - he's 170.  It's amazing how fast they can grow.

I had a long phone call with my friend Diane (hi, Sis!) - some three hours.  So good to realize that I can still carry on a conversation that's not just in my head.

I had a dentist appointment this week, and afterwards hit Michaels, World Bazaar, and Spirit Halloween.  I needed a few things from Michael's.  I've only been there 2-3 times in the last 5+ years - we used to go on a regular basis.  My first time I only lasted a few minutes before I had to run out to the car to cry.  That doesn't happen now - but somehow browsing all those places by myself just isn't as much fun.  But I think I would feel worse if I let the Halloween season go by without at least paying some attention to it (odd that September is Halloween season; by mid-October most stores have switched out to Christmas stuff).

This had me thinking about how at first everything was such a challenge.  Having panic attacks at the grocery store.  I remember asking for a fish filet and cringing when the clerk asked "just one?"  Going out for lunch - saying "no" when the waitress asked if anyone would be joining me.  Pumping my own gas - every single time.  Honestly - I still don't like going out anywhere.  I just make myself because it would be too easy just to stay home.

I thought about that yesterday.  The "low tire" light came on in the car.  The logical thing to do would be to go get air on the way home from work.  But I just didn't want to deal, and as the light was still amber and not red, I came home.  I decided that this wasn't just avoidance.  A lot of gas stations don't have air stations anymore - so I would have had to drive in and out of several before I found one.  I'd been at work all morning, mostly outside, so I was hot, sweaty, and hungry.  I would have had to be hunkering down in a parking lot.
Or . .  I could come home, have a shower, lunch, and a nap, and then deal with it.  I could get a towel to sit on, and use my portable air pump to fill the tire.  It just seemed easier (and it's why I got the pump when I found the nearest station to me with an air pump is 8 miles away)

It suddenly occurred to me this week that I hadn't even thought about visiting Mike and Margo.  For years I would go see them in October (sometimes with Bob, or sometimes he would stay home with the cats).  Last year we went to Roswell instead, and the year before that Harry Potter World.  I think I've been hung up being worried about RedBug.  On one hand - I really want to go.  The idea of conversation, laughter, shared meals (I've had a couple of lunches this year with other people, but I think the last time I had dinner with anyone was while we were in Roswell last November).  Talking with Mike about projects.  Playing Scrabble.  Even watching TV with someone.  Things you don't think about when they're ordinary.  On the other hand - packing, getting a critter sitter (I'd have to take Liam to the museum - don't think I'd ask a sitter to care for a possum), dealing with the airports . . .  I'm just not feeling it.  I'll talk to them in a few days and we'll decide.

It's late and I'm starting to fade.  I have to go to work tomorrow, so I should avoid taking a nap.  Yep - sometimes I take a nap before bed (on the Way with Words page, someone coined the word "Nappetizer." ) Sometimes, close to bedtime, if I'm watching TV or on the computer, sleepiness almost overtakes me.  And then I just sit there because I'm too sleepy to do what's needed - turn down the thermostat, turn off the lights, turn down the bed, brush my teeth . . .  So I goad myself to wake up enough to do all that - and then I'm awake and it takes a bit to get sleepy again.
So what the heck - if I find myself nodding off, I just lie down on the couch and nod off.  It might be 20 minutes, or two hours, or the whole night.  It's some of my best sleep.  But tonight I think I'll just head to bed.