Self-Analysis: Some Concerns and a Few Projects

 I have less stress than anyone that I know.  I'm financially secure, healthy, and don't hang around people much (because people are stress-inducing).  But recently I've been feeling stressed out, tense, and achingly lonely.  That odd feeling in my chest, hollow breathing.  Clutching cuddle pillow as if it was a bit of flotsam in a churning sea.

So let's think it out.  The weather shifted again; we had a few days of cooler temps (although my brother doesn't think of 85 as "cooler") and a bit lower humidity, so I was able to get out with lawnmower, brush cutter, weed whacker and chainsaw and work.  The last few days - I go out to feed the chickens first thing in the morning and break a sweat just walking to to coop and back.

I had another one of those "never know when it will hit you" moments.  I've been watching the old special effects show FaceOff (trying to jog my creativity).  I found myself saying out loud  "Oh - I hadn't noticed that Frank Ippiloto was in this" and over the next couple of shows, "Gee, Frank is being such a whiny jerk."  Bob and I would have both been commenting - and now I'm speaking to the air because I don't know anyone who has the faintest idea of who Frank is (short version - of the people well known in the maker community).  Just getting hit with the aloneness again.

August 3 was the anniversary of getting engaged.  August 25 will be my 52nd wedding anniversary.  Bob made it to 46; I'm leaving him farther and farther behind.  

I'm getting my teeth cleaned tomorrow, which is no big deal but still not one of my favorite things to do.  But I also need to talk things over with my dentist.  The molar that is the anchor for my bridge has been deteriorating under the crown.  He keeps shoring it up and filling it in as much as possible, but at some point, likely soon, the $3000 worth of dental work I had maybe 4 years ago will have to be yanked off and see if that tooth can be salvaged (if not, I'm facing having an implant done - again, not fun).  It's starting to hurt again, and I was spitting out blood after brushing my teeth this morning.

But the big thing is RedBug.  He's been so clingy ever since we lost Stumbles (hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 months - I still miss her so much - she made me laugh).  The lump on his leg is being removed Friday.  I'm really trying not to worry - but it's hard not to (reiterate having lost 7 cats, 5 friends, a flock of peacocks, a flock of chickens, and a husband in the last 6 years.  One does get paranoid).

I just feel so alone in my worry, and my sadness over Stumbles.  Yes, I have friends who will sympathize - but they don't know them.  They haven't held them and loved them and given treats and been headbutted and purred at.  It's no loss to them.  I'm the only one who will hurt.  I would have been comforting Bob as he comforted me.  Now I clutch a pillow.

But, basically, I just need to hang on for a couple of days.  Tomorrow I'll have a battle plan with the dentist, and Friday afternoon I'll know if RedBug's lump is just a benign thing, or if I'll have decisions to make there.

Despite this, or because of it, after being the in creative doldrums for quite some time I seem to have 2-3 projects going.  I'm knitting a handspun lace shawl.  I've also started spinning for another one (OK - there's something comforting about shawls, even if I rarely get the chance to wear the).  Some years ago I made this one:

I love the way the colors swirl, and it was a fun knit.  I want the next one to maybe be a little smaller (this one is knee length) and in darker colors.  I want to go for the aesthetic called "dark academic" (sort of a variation of goth).  I want to the mood to be something that I would wear walking in this picture (although that's by my chicken coop and I likely won't be swooping by wearing a shawl)

I'm finding combing the wool and spinning to be very soothing (I'm even using my treadle wheel rather than my little battery one).

So I'll be OK.  I just want to know what I'm facing, and what I'm going to be doing, and not just sitting, twiddling my thumbs and waiting to see what happens.