Anniversary Thoughts

 11 days without a post.  That's a change from my compulsive writing.

It's partially due to the heat - I've just been brain dead.  I think the ultimate was this past Monday, when we finished up making the animal's diets and were walking out doing the feeding and commenting that the heat just seemed surrealistic.  I checked the weather app: temperature 98, heat index 118.

But mostly my thoughts have been racing around uncontrolled, and I can't get them in enough order to write.

My wedding anniversary is in 8 days.  It will be my fourth without Bob.  I don't even know what I did on the other three; nothing worth writing about.  I probably cooked a steak in his memory.  But I can't handle the thought of this upcoming one.  For one thing, I realized that I'm thinking  of it as "my" anniversary, not ours.  We had 46, and I've had 3, coming up 4, on my own.

But this is the 50th, the Golden Anniversary.  We had plans of going to Norway.  So about now we should have been deciding what to pack, finalizing plans, going through our usual "why the hell are we doing this and is it too late to back out" thoughts that we always had before a major trip.  We were going to stand side by side on a boat and look at the fjords.

I have a bottle of blackberry wine that we made before we got married (yes, I made wine in the closet in my dorm room).  Most of it we drank, but somehow didn't get around to the last one, and we jokingly set it aside, saying we would open it on our 50th anniversary.  So I will (though I doubt if it's still drinkable).

I remember when we celebrated my parent's 50th.  At one point, Mom said "I'm not old enough to have been married for 50 years!"  And Dad countered with "I'm not old enough to be married to someone who's old enough to have been married for 50 years."  I was looking forward to saying that.

So I've been crying a lot at odd times.  Everything is a trigger.  I just want to shut down, but that's not really an option.  I keep trudging forward, with no idea of where I'm going.

I never know what's going to hit me.  A few days ago I noticed an odd hot smell when I turned on the dryer.  It hasn't been that long since I cleaned out the lint clog, so it likely wasn't that.  I don't particularly trust dryers ever since a friend had a dryer fire and it burned down her whole house, so I wasn't going to ignore it.
I pulled the dryer out from the wall and saw the problem - there was a rip in the dryer duct, so it was venting into the kitchen instead of outside.  Easy fix.  It was a lot longer than it had to be, so I took it off the dryer, cut back past the rip, put the attachment ring onto the the new end, and reattached it.  Easy peasy.  Then I had a breakdown.

First, because of my standard "That didn't used to be my job."  But it was actually because of the tools.  There's a tool chest in Bob's room.  And because Bob kept anything that was useful, it was a jumbled mess.  It was tricky to get the drawers open, then go digging through to find whatever, and trickier to close the drawers back when finished.  So a couple of weeks ago I dumped out all the drawers, sorted out the tools that I might actually use (yes, needlenose pliers are useful - but I don't need a dozen of them) and tossed the extras - which was a lot of them - into the donation box.  So when I needed a medium-width slot screwdriver and a somewhat hefty wire cutter, I just opened the drawers and grabbed them from where they were lying in a neat row, and put them back when I was finished, closing the drawers.

But the lack of the jumbled mess just about broke me.

OK.  Deep breath.  In through the nose, out through the mouth.  I can do this.

Watch out for the glimmers.  It's a term I saw, and like.  It's the counterpoint to triggers.  Glimmers are those things that give you a moment of happiness - be open to them.

This morning I was actually going to be on time to work (I usually seem to walk in about 3 minutes late).  I locked the door, pulled on my work boots, grabbed my purse and my water - and then I saw that my box turtle had come for a visit, with her neck stretched out and her head up, looking at me - "maybe you have a snack?"  So I had to put everything down, unlock the door, and go get her some food.  It was worth it.

I think I've written before about a suggestion to snap a picture of something that makes you smile.  For me, it's usually nature related.  While I was cleaning today I was laughing at Petrie, our education screech owl, because he's getting ready to molt and looking a little disheveled.

I was even able to share a glimmer.  I was cleaning the small aviary where we have several more screech owls.  There were some guests there, enjoying themselves, trying to get some pictures (the owls are tiny, and tend to stay in the back of the habitat).  I was chatting with them, talking about how screeches can have serious attitudes out of proportion to their size, and show them my favorite picture of a mama glaring at me while holding her wing over her chick.  One of the women said "I wish you could take my phone and get a close up."

I thought for a second, and said "sure, I can do that - come around to the gate."  There is usually an owl or two in a nest box, so I opened it up and got some great shots.  She and her friends were ecstatic, laughing and imitating the owl's expressions.  And so grateful to me.  Simple pleasures.

The owls were so crazy looking that I had to get my own shot.

I don't know if the tall one is demon possessed, or just needs coffee.

Writing helps.  I feel a little better just getting it out.  The next week is going to be rough, but I'll get through it.