Random Triggers

 I miss Bob.  Every minute, every day.  It's rather like breathing; most of the time I don't pay attention to it - it's just there, going on in the background.

And there there are times that there is a quick gasp.  The big things (like anniversaries, or going through his stuff) I can kind of prepare for.  The little triggers surprise me.

Yesterday I finished a carton of cottage cheese.  I washed the container out and tossed it in the recycle bin.  Along with a huge pang of guilt.

I threw away a Perfectly Good Container.  One that could be saved to Store Things In.  He never would have done that - which is why I have found bins and bags filled with empty jars and containers in the barn.  The butter tubs and cottage cheese containers and yogurt cups would get tossed into a cabinet, where they would cascade out on the times that I actually had some leftover food to store.  At times, it would become a source of contention, because that cascade (and the followup of shoving them all back in and slamming the door shut) annoyed the hell out of me when all I wanted was something to put some mac & cheese in.  And sometimes I would have a breakdown.  "For God's sake, Bob, just how many damned empty cartons do you need?  Give me a number - 12, 20, 45? "  And he'd be like "it's not like that, you don't have to be that way" and he would grudgingly let me throw a stack in the recycle bin but it bothered him and I suspect (heck, I know) that a lot of them were rehomed in the barn, just in case they were needed.

I also tossed an empty kitty litter jug.  When you have a houseful of cats, you go through a lot of the stuff.  Now that I'm down to five, I splurge on the Arm & Hammer low dust litter, which comes in a guilt-free cardboard box that I can just toss.  But sometimes Publix has buy one get one sales on Tidy Cat litter, and who can pass up a good bargain?

And look at that jug it comes in!  The right size to hold a couple of gallons of water - useful if a hurricane is coming and you might be without for a few days.  Not too heavy to pick up.  Yes, they are useful.  I keep a half-dozen of them around for that purpose.  But I also threw away 20 or 30 from the barn, and I tossed one last week - again, like the cottage cheese carton, with a pang.  I feel like a wastrel (in fact, he used to call me that).

And that brings me to the big kitty litter bins.  I don't get these anymore because they're a bit too heavy and awkward for me to lift comfortably (and, honestly, I prefer the low dust litter).  But they were the best buy - and those bins!  Even I admit that the bins are great.  In fact, when I built the storage shelving in the cottage, I made the lower two shelves of a height to accommodate the bins (which I painted, so as to cover up the glaring yellow)

They're the right size to store fleece and yarn.  Buying just a sturdy storage bin would be $4- $5.  But down in the barn - well, there are a lot filled with empty jars (and cottage cheese cartons).  A lot filled with random stuff I can't even identify.  And there is a large, wall mounted storage shelf filled with row upon row of them - and I need to go through each one, although I suspect a lot of them are empty.  The majority of them will get tossed.

I will feel bad, and shout my apologies to the universe for each one.