Nazgul

 It's October 10.  I last posted August 22, saying farewell to Wilhelm.  There has been no closure.  I still call him.  I still check the pictures on the shelter website several times a week.

A lot has happened since then, and I will have to catch up.  But there is more pain to get through first.  Much as I really really do try to keep a positive attitude, to keep moving forward, it's hard.

Especially when I lose friends.

I lost Nazgul.

Nazgul was 14, one of those "never goes to the vet except for annual shots" cats.  When he went for his checkup in July, the doctor noted that he had lost about 3 pounds from the previous year, but that's not too surprising in an older cat.  It was a couple of weeks after that when Wilhelm disappeared.  Nazgul started acting a little off.  He had been buddies with Wilhelm, and I thought he just missed him.  But he continued to just be too quiet and not wanting to eat.  I took him back to the vet.  Bloodwork showed some anemia, not bad, everything else seemed OK - but he had lost another 2 pounds in a month.  That's extreme.  He got shots to improve his appetite, steroids to help the anemia and perk him up, antibiotics just in case.  But he just got quieter an quieter and didn't eat.  I called the vet - we both agreed that it was probably cancer.  I could have taken him in for X rays to confirm, to see what was wrong.  I didn't.  Because if I had seen a tumor I would have felt the need to go ahead and let him go, and couldn't bring myself to do that.  He didn't seem to be uncomfortable or restless, or in pain.  Just rested.

Finally, on Friday, Sept. 11, I came home from work and realized it would be soon.  He didn't want to be held, but I lay down beside him and kept my hand on him for a couple of hours until he stopped breathing.  I held him and howled and felt so alone.  Then I buried him under the gardenia.

Nazgul first showed up as a "black cat-shaped hole in the universe" that would disappear when we looked at him.  Over the course of a year, he would creep closer to the house.  One night I looked out the window and saw glowing green eyes looking through the cat door onto the porch.  "Bob", I said, "There is a Nazgul on our deck".  Within a month or so after that, Bob could scratch him.  Soon after he lost his wraithlike look, gained about 10 pounds, and decided that he liked being an Owned Cat.  When we got the kittens RiverSong and NokoMarie he would lie in the hallway and let them use his belly for a trampoline as they ran down the hall.

When Bob and I were in Gainesville the other cats eventually accepted our housesitter, but not Nazgul.  He just stayed under our bed (Mac would peek under to take pictures and make sure he was all right).  When I came home for two days in February, he immediately came out and spent the night headbutting me and patting me with his paw.  Then, when I returned to Bob, he returned to under the bed.

He emerged when I came home alone.  Slept with me.  Let me hug him.  He was happy that I was back

And now he is gone, and I miss him.