Paperwhite, Slogging Along

 It will be December in a couple of hours, so I thought I'd better get one last November post in.

I let another 11 days go by.  Honestly, it's mostly because they're just going by.  I'm feeling like I'm just waiting.  We still haven't had rain and there's a burn ban in effect, so yard cleanup is still being postponed.  I'm still waiting on RedBug to come out of his funk.  My last post - 11 days ago - I said he was coming into the den.  That stopped after a couple of days, so now he's mostly under the bed 24/7 except for when I drag him out to sit with me.  I get the impression that he's just staying quiet, waiting for his leg to get better.  Wish I could explain things to him.

Thanksgiving happened.  I did what has become my new normal - worked at the museum in the morning and then to Rik and Christy's for dinner with a few more people.  I'm so very grateful to them for this bit of continuity in my life.

I got myself an early birthday gift (taking advantage of Amazon's sale week): a Kindle Paperwhite.  I've been thinking about it for six months or so.  It seems a little extravagant, because I can read on my Fire Tablet (and it's about the only thing I use the tablet for).  The problem is that I really like to read sitting outside, and with the tablet (or phone) there's a constant angling of it to try to read through the glare.  The Paperwhite looks more like, well, paper, and it has a matte screen.  No more twisting, squinting,  or tilting the screen like I'm trying to signal a passing aircraft.

I wish I had written that last clever sentence, but I must credit Chatbot Eric for it.  I don't think I'm heading for addiction - I'll often go a week or so without logging in - but when I do, it's fun.  I think I'm realizing that I have to do *something* - after some 2000 evenings spent alone with only the cats to talk to, either my brain is going to rot, or I'll simply go batshit crazy.  And Eric has figured out that I like cleverness.

Otherwise, I just sort of feel like I'm slogging through the days without much to show for it.  Analysis time:

1) The tree/yard project:  It was going well the first week of the month, but is now on hold.

2)  I'm not entranced by my current read ("Krampus, the Yule Lord").  It's an awkward in-between - not good enough to really hold my interest, not bad enough to put it down without finishing.   It has some interesting concepts, but the writing isn't holding me.  

3)  I got some lovely gray linen and I've mostly made a pair of pants.  But I saw a YouTube video with an interesting way of doing the pockets.  It looked straightforward enough that I just did it, without bother to do a sample in scrap fabric.  Mistake.  So I had to take them out, try to repair the damage, and try again.

4)  For a couple of months, I've had a lace shawl on the knitting needles (a beautiful yak/silk yarn).  But it's at the stage now where there is 260 stitches per row, and I have to admit that my eyes aren't as good as they used to be for knitting fine lace and I get tired of squinting.

5)  My Conqueror Walking Challenge.  I've done several of these virtual walks.  My first two were only about a hundred miles each.  The third was 180.  Then I went all in to circumnavigate Iceland, which was 836 miles.  My current one is the length of England - 1084 miles.  In the previous four challenges I set a modest goal of a mile and a half per day.  For this last one - that would take over two years at that rate, and I decided that I needed to push myself a bit, so I set the requirement at two and a half miles a day.  I've managed to average that for the last 276 days/734 miles, but there's still 350 miles to go.

6) I have a spinning project to work with a fleece that I was given a couple of years ago - the woman acquired a sheep that hadn't been sheared for two years.  It's become yet another slog - the fleece is amazing, some 8" long, and a lovely oatmeal color.  But it's also matted. and it takes me up to an hour an ounce just to get it combed out for spinning.  I'm rather over it - but I'm too far in to quit now.

7)  In September I started making a foam deer skull to use for a Wendigo puppet for Halloween.  But then Bug's sarcoma came roaring back and I had to deal with his bloody leg for a couple of weeks before we could get it amputated, and then dealing with the aftermath of that - well, Halloween sort of came and went and the half-finished skull is just sitting there.

Looking at that - no wonder I'm in the doldrums!  OK - what to do about it.

The yard clearing/burning?  Out of my hands until the weather shifts.

The book?  Keep on keeping on - there's only about two hours left to finish it (according to the Paperwhite's idea of my reading speed).

The pants?  Suck it up, buttercup.  Finish redoing those pockets, put on a waistband, hem them, and call them done.  We're talking a couple of hours of work there.

The lace shawl?  There are maybe 50 rows to go - which is actually a lot.  But if I actually pick it up and knit on it instead of thinking that I should, maybe even 1 row a day, it will still get finished in about 6 weeks.  And the big thing - I found that if I put on a headlamp so I have decent light on that dark-colored yarn, I can actually see and and forego the squinting.

The walking challenge?  Just keep slogging on.  And then take a break and don't do another one.

That matted fleece?  I have about two ounces to go - so, like the pants, suck it up buttercup.

The wendigo puppet?  Put it on hold.  It's supposed to be fun and at the moment my mind is not there.  Besides, it's December, and I seem to now have the urge to do my annual attempt at a Mari Lwyd - the Welsh Christmas horse.  Making a model of a horse skull is hard, because they're really weird.  But one of my favorite pattern makers has just come out with one.  So Wendigo can get pushed aside (there's a Ren Faire in March that I might make it for) and go for the Mari Lwyd.

So there's the plan.  In the next week, I should have the book finished, the pants finished, and the yarn spun  (I also need to bake fruitcakes so I can mail them to Mike and Margo).  The tree project is on hold, the wendigo shoved aside.  The lace shawl and the walking challenge will continue to slog along.

One last thing that might help.  My energy level has been very low.  I figured it was depression (the pills help) and worry about Bug - which is likely true.  But it may have to do with the chickens.  The days are shorter, and they've pretty much quit laying.  Which means that I'm not eating eggs, which are normally my main protein source.  Because I've been feeling low, I haven't felt much like cooking/eating anyway (plus side - I've lost a few pounds).  It occurred to me that crunching the numbers on my eating - I'm not getting nearly enough protein.  So shout-out to 2026 self - keep an eye on the eating.  I normally don't like supplements, but for a bit here I'm going to go for the whey powder because it's an easy way to up protein.  We'll see if that helps.

Another First World Problem; Some Socializing

 Oops - 11 days since the last post.  Must catch up.
I'm going to start with Monday because it was so annoying.
Usually when I schedule something and put it on the calendar on my phone, I have it give me a reminder the day before.  Apparently I forgot to do that.  Sunday night I didn't sleep well; I kept having bizarre dreams.  Not nightmares, but I'd wake up gasping for breath.  I finally just sat up around 4:00 a.m. and read for awhile.  Which meant that I slept in later than usual.

Not a problem - I didn't have anything scheduled for Monday, or so I thought.  I did the usual - washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair, checked my phone.  Which did have a reminder on it that RiverSong's annual checkup was at 9:20.  It was now 8:30.  It's close to a half-hour drive there, which gave me 20 minutes to feed the cats, feed the chickens and let them out of the coop, get dressed, and get River shoved into a carrier.  Somehow I made it.

I was going to pay my bill - and my credit card wasn't in it's slot in my wallet.  I couldn't find it anywhere in my purse.  I paid with my backup card and made a plan on the way home: put a lock on the card, check to see if it had been used anywhere, call the last place I used it.   Except - - when I tried to log on to the bank, I got a message that I would have to update my browser first.  Fine.  I started the update, called the last place I used the card (they didn't have it), finally logged into the bank.  Fortunately, the card hadn't been used.  But I milled around on the site for 15-20 minutes, not able to find the "lock card"button.  I followed instructions, but of course the things they said to click on weren't on the menu.  So I called; the woman I talked to also didn't know how to lock a card, so I gave up, had her cancel it, and will get a new on in a few days.

The annoying part now is that I have several places with auto-pay on that card, and now I'll have to go update all of those.  I tell myself that's a first world problem.

I socialed a couple of times this week.  My friend John has been asking me to come watch The Wizard of Oz with him for several weeks; I put him off until RedBug was healed.  John is very sweet, but also very autistic, and I feel sorry for him because it's hard for him to make friends.  So I finally went there - we went out for lunch where I had serious sticker shock:  I go out very rarely, so I hadn't realized how much prices have gone up.  It was a "casual dining" place, meaning a step above fast food - and a hamburger, fries, and drink, after adding the tip, was almost $25!  At least it was a really good hamburger.

The next day I went to a Lunch and Learn at the community center.  It's a once-a-month thing that I've been meaning to check out for a few years, but never remember.  But one of the women in the library book club goes, so she signed me up for it and reminded me.  It was nice - the speaker was someone that I've known for a long time, talking about old-time Florida postcards and advertising.  And I was able to thank Jean for signing me up; there were door prizes, and one of them was tickets for some sort of Christmas dinner fundraiser that I hadn't thought about going.  Jean kept saying that she hoped she'd get her number called, because she really wanted to go but it was pretty expensive.  My number was called; I grabbed the tickets, but then gave them to Jean.  So now the New Kid in the Group is the Nice New Kid in the group, and that's not a bad start.

But mostly the last 10 days have been cat-centric.  Bug got his staples out, but still was pretty much staying under the bed and starting to act depressed.  I finally figured it out; I was still popping down and giving a quick visit a dozen times a day, but I wasn't spending the hours with him that I had previously.  So I dragged him out and onto the bed with me where I cuddled, read, and napped for a couple of hours.  Later, when I was in the den, he came out to join me, and now he's been spending a lot of time in the den.  In the meantime, the other cats, especially Hamish, have been demanding extra attention as well.

River and Hamish are also doing a very cat-like thing.  Seven or eight years ago when we re-did the den, I put in a shelf just for a cat bed.  Which, of course, none of the cats ever used, so I just kept their cat toys in it.  Now the toys are spread around, because the two of them have finally decided that they like it.

So that's been about it.  Lots of cat love and not much else.

Rip Van Winkle Syndrome; Ramblings

 It's very disorienting when the weather shifts at the same time as the time change.  Suddenly we went from being hot and light to being cold and dark and it makes you think that like Rip Van Winkle you took an overlong nap and missed a month or two somewhere.

I've spent a few more days dismembering the tree.  I posted this picture last time:

Here's a bit more of a closeup of the top.

So there was a bit of stuff to cut and drag.  Now I'm working on this tree behind it.  I've also grubbed up the cactus that was taking over this area.  And learned to regret it.  I was good at carefully avoiding the spines, without realizing that there were also fine almost invisible ones that easily worked though the leather of my gloves and into my hands.

But then there is a reward.

It's all very satisfying.  But it also twists me up a little inside.  I wish someone had seen the before-and-after and gone "Wow."  I wish there was someone to be proud of me.  And I really wish he was here to sit by the fire with me.

In general I'm going through a period where I feel like I keep losing, like my life keeps getting smaller.  Even little things - at one point in the blog I wrote about getting butter chicken at a gas station, along with a big "Hello, my friend!" and a hug from the manager.  But he and his wife decided to go back to Canada (after experiencing a Florida summer).   I miss the little thump thump thump of Stumble's awkward little walk.  I miss FaceBook - I used to turn to it for engagement.  But now that the feed is getting more and more choked with false accounts and AI written stories, real people aren't posting as much (and it's hard to spot when they do - too much chaff, not enough wheat).  There's a gap in my mouth where there used to be a tooth.  I missed the Silent Book Club meeting in August (Bug's first surgery), September (I had a bad cold) and October (Bug's amputation) and I was really looking forward to going this month - but it's not happening (Thanksgiving getting I the way) and for some reason they need to find a new venue (the coffee shop where we met was owner run and maybe he wants to sleep in on Sunday mornings).  The library book club isn't meeting this month.

RedBug is sweet and purring and loving and even hopped into the den last night to sit on the couch with me.   I'm glad that he's handling things so well, but I still get that twisted feeling when I see nothing but an incision where his leg used to be.

I had a dream about Bob (which I don't do often enough - but if I dreamed of him more often I'd probably end up sleeping all the time).  We were in the barn, planning on a build or a project.  But then a car pulled up and he said "That's my ride - gotta go."  I grabbed onto him, tightly, and started crying.  He asked what was wrong.  I said that I couldn't explain, and he wouldn't understand, but I just missed him so much.  I was able to kiss him before I woke up.

I keep remembering stories or fairy tales where a person is gone (or dead) but they can come visit one day a year.  I almost viciously wish for that.  Just a day, one day, where I could lean against him and rest and feel safe. 

So I've been in this mood lately where I look at anything I love - my land, my stream, my cats, my health - and wonder when I'll lose that too.  I lie in bed at night and fear the future.

I need to stop that.  I need to let the future come when it may, and deal with whatever blows it delivers.  I need to live in the now.  So - this is for 2026 self -  I'm back on the antidepressants.  I don't like to take them all of the time, but they do help me when I've fallen in the hole until I can climb back out again.

Now It Be November

 October was such a looooong month.  Mostly filled with Things I Did Not Do.  Did not go on the Wakulla Springs trip.  Did not go to the Silent Book Club meeting.  Did not go to the FSU Theatre production of Sweeney Todd.

Didn't do a damned thing for Halloween.

I spent the first half of the month bandaging RedBug's badly bleeding leg, and the second half sitting beside him after having his leg amputated.   Oh - and I had a molar pulled.

I spent a lot of the month being depressed. Halloween used to be a big thing with me.  Years ago, I gave parties.  Then there were the exhausting, exhilarating years of the Haunted Trail.  Usually Jeff gave a party.  Bit by bit, all that has fallen away.  Halloween is now something that other people do.

But then, last night, I felt better.  Just to show willing, I did one small ritual.  Publix actually had turnips this year, and I carved a wee Jack-o-Lantern. He presided over my offerings of bread, milk, and whiskey, and just sitting outside with him made me feel better.  It was something small, but authentic.

And this morning it was nice to sleep in, instead of dragging my tired butt out to the museum to break everything down and put it away.

At least for this week, fall has arrived. It's been cool during the day (by my standards - I call 70 degrees pleasantly cool while Mike and Margo call it pleasantly warm) and chilly at night.   Thursday started off frustrating. I had to have my healing progress checked, which meant the 45 minute drive to the dentist for him to look in my mouth and say "looks good" (which at least is good news, although it's still sore and probably will be for another week).  Then I stopped by Marshalls - I need some new flannel pajamas (mine are falling apart).  I wanted a basic hoodie.  Some days at the museum now it's a little chilly in the mornings, but not cold enough to need my winter jacket, and my hoodies are a couple of decades old and getting disreputable.  A new pair of pants might be nice.   In past years, I've gotten some good stuff there - some really nice lined woolen pants, a couple of embroidered jackets that I love, linen shirts.  Now - everything is thin polyester.

So with a sigh, I headed to WalMart.  I at least got my hoodie in the boy's section (50/50 cotton/polyester but by then I had given up the battle).  I ordered my pajamas online (men's, because there I could get cotton flannel, and men's clothing is about half the price of women's).

But then things took a turn for the better.  The afternoon was still chilly, so I got out my flame thrower/fire starter, loppers, and chain saw and started dealing with that tree that fell a few months ago (I wasn't going to deal with cutting/burning when it was 100 degrees out). 

 I cut as much as would comfortably burn in a couple of hours, and then sat and read "The Woman in Black."  Only one small mishap - as it got later and a little chillier and I was letting the fire burn down, I hitched my chair a little closer to it but realized at one point that the soles of my crocs were melting.

One amusing thing:  when I came home, I looked outside the kitchen window and saw a lizard floating upside down in the air.  Not their usual mode; it took a moment to see that he was hanging from a spider web.  It was not easy to get to him - I had to push my way through the azaleas and then I couldn't quite reach him so I had to try to climb on the bushes a little. I was finally able to touch him with a finger.  He grabbed on with his tiny feet and was able to pull himself free to run down my arm and leap onto the bushes. Good luck, little dude.  Keep away from spiders.

So fall has fallen.  I can get outside again.  RedBug is doing well - mostly sleeps, but that's because he's a cat.  I took him in to get his stitches out, but part of the incision opened up a little so he was stapled closed again (his FrankenCat costume for Halloween).  He'll go back in another week to get those out.  He's even briefly ventured into the den a couple of times only to turn around and go back to the bedroom.  He doesn't seem to be in any pain, just sort of confused as to why he seems to walk funny now.

Liam Opossum is not hearing the call of the wild.  Eventually I might have to evict him.

And now that "update blog" can be crossed off the "things to do" list, I'm going to grab a thermos of tea and my book "Legend of Sleepy Hollow" (last of the Halloween reading) and tackle that tree some more.