Rip Van Winkle Syndrome; Ramblings

 It's very disorienting when the weather shifts at the same time as the time change.  Suddenly we went from being hot and light to being cold and dark and it makes you think that like Rip Van Winkle you took an overlong nap and missed a month or two somewhere.

I've spent a few more days dismembering the tree.  I posted this picture last time:

Here's a bit more of a closeup of the top.

So there was a bit of stuff to cut and drag.  Now I'm working on this tree behind it.  I've also grubbed up the cactus that was taking over this area.  And learned to regret it.  I was good at carefully avoiding the spines, without realizing that there were also fine almost invisible ones that easily worked though the leather of my gloves and into my hands.

But then there is a reward.

It's all very satisfying.  But it also twists me up a little inside.  I wish someone had seen the before-and-after and gone "Wow."  I wish there was someone to be proud of me.  And I really wish he was here to sit by the fire with me.

In general I'm going through a period where I feel like I keep losing, like my life keeps getting smaller.  Even little things - at one point in the blog I wrote about getting butter chicken at a gas station, along with a big "Hello, my friend!" and a hug from the manager.  But he and his wife decided to go back to Canada (after experiencing a Florida summer).   I miss the little thump thump thump of Stumble's awkward little walk.  I miss FaceBook - I used to turn to it for engagement.  But now that the feed is getting more and more choked with false accounts and AI written stories, real people aren't posting as much (and it's hard to spot when they do - too much chaff, not enough wheat).  There's a gap in my mouth where there used to be a tooth.  I missed the Silent Book Club meeting in August (Bug's first surgery), September (I had a bad cold) and October (Bug's amputation) and I was really looking forward to going this month - but it's not happening (Thanksgiving getting I the way) and for some reason they need to find a new venue (the coffee shop where we met was owner run and maybe he wants to sleep in on Sunday mornings).  The library book club isn't meeting this month.

RedBug is sweet and purring and loving and even hopped into the den last night to sit on the couch with me.   I'm glad that he's handling things so well, but I still get that twisted feeling when I see nothing but an incision where his leg used to be.

I had a dream about Bob (which I don't do often enough - but if I dreamed of him more often I'd probably end up sleeping all the time).  We were in the barn, planning on a build or a project.  But then a car pulled up and he said "That's my ride - gotta go."  I grabbed onto him, tightly, and started crying.  He asked what was wrong.  I said that I couldn't explain, and he wouldn't understand, but I just missed him so much.  I was able to kiss him before I woke up.

I keep remembering stories or fairy tales where a person is gone (or dead) but they can come visit one day a year.  I almost viciously wish for that.  Just a day, one day, where I could lean against him and rest and feel safe. 

So I've been in this mood lately where I look at anything I love - my land, my stream, my cats, my health - and wonder when I'll lose that too.  I lie in bed at night and fear the future.

I need to stop that.  I need to let the future come when it may, and deal with whatever blows it delivers.  I need to live in the now.  So - this is for 2026 self -  I'm back on the antidepressants.  I don't like to take them all of the time, but they do help me when I've fallen in the hole until I can climb back out again.

Now It Be November

 October was such a looooong month.  Mostly filled with Things I Did Not Do.  Did not go on the Wakulla Springs trip.  Did not go to the Silent Book Club meeting.  Did not go to the FSU Theatre production of Sweeney Todd.

Didn't do a damned thing for Halloween.

I spent the first half of the month bandaging RedBug's badly bleeding leg, and the second half sitting beside him after having his leg amputated.   Oh - and I had a molar pulled.

I spent a lot of the month being depressed. Halloween used to be a big thing with me.  Years ago, I gave parties.  Then there were the exhausting, exhilarating years of the Haunted Trail.  Usually Jeff gave a party.  Bit by bit, all that has fallen away.  Halloween is now something that other people do.

But then, last night, I felt better.  Just to show willing, I did one small ritual.  Publix actually had turnips this year, and I carved a wee Jack-o-Lantern. He presided over my offerings of bread, milk, and whiskey, and just sitting outside with him made me feel better.  It was something small, but authentic.

And this morning it was nice to sleep in, instead of dragging my tired butt out to the museum to break everything down and put it away.

At least for this week, fall has arrived. It's been cool during the day (by my standards - I call 70 degrees pleasantly cool while Mike and Margo call it pleasantly warm) and chilly at night.   Thursday started off frustrating. I had to have my healing progress checked, which meant the 45 minute drive to the dentist for him to look in my mouth and say "looks good" (which at least is good news, although it's still sore and probably will be for another week).  Then I stopped by Marshalls - I need some new flannel pajamas (mine are falling apart).  I wanted a basic hoodie.  Some days at the museum now it's a little chilly in the mornings, but not cold enough to need my winter jacket, and my hoodies are a couple of decades old and getting disreputable.  A new pair of pants might be nice.   In past years, I've gotten some good stuff there - some really nice lined woolen pants, a couple of embroidered jackets that I love, linen shirts.  Now - everything is thin polyester.

So with a sigh, I headed to WalMart.  I at least got my hoodie in the boy's section (50/50 cotton/polyester but by then I had given up the battle).  I ordered my pajamas online (men's, because there I could get cotton flannel, and men's clothing is about half the price of women's).

But then things took a turn for the better.  The afternoon was still chilly, so I got out my flame thrower/fire starter, loppers, and chain saw and started dealing with that tree that fell a few months ago (I wasn't going to deal with cutting/burning when it was 100 degrees out). 

 I cut as much as would comfortably burn in a couple of hours, and then sat and read "The Woman in Black."  Only one small mishap - as it got later and a little chillier and I was letting the fire burn down, I hitched my chair a little closer to it but realized at one point that the soles of my crocs were melting.

One amusing thing:  when I came home, I looked outside the kitchen window and saw a lizard floating upside down in the air.  Not their usual mode; it took a moment to see that he was hanging from a spider web.  It was not easy to get to him - I had to push my way through the azaleas and then I couldn't quite reach him so I had to try to climb on the bushes a little. I was finally able to touch him with a finger.  He grabbed on with his tiny feet and was able to pull himself free to run down my arm and leap onto the bushes. Good luck, little dude.  Keep away from spiders.

So fall has fallen.  I can get outside again.  RedBug is doing well - mostly sleeps, but that's because he's a cat.  I took him in to get his stitches out, but part of the incision opened up a little so he was stapled closed again (his FrankenCat costume for Halloween).  He'll go back in another week to get those out.  He's even briefly ventured into the den a couple of times only to turn around and go back to the bedroom.  He doesn't seem to be in any pain, just sort of confused as to why he seems to walk funny now.

Liam Opossum is not hearing the call of the wild.  Eventually I might have to evict him.

And now that "update blog" can be crossed off the "things to do" list, I'm going to grab a thermos of tea and my book "Legend of Sleepy Hollow" (last of the Halloween reading) and tackle that tree some more.